My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]