Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
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I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.