If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
2022 will be better than 2021
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Happy birthday to all the women
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.