My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
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Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really Iâm just scared of elevators
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we donât put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I couldnât afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping đ
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarmsâŚ
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Ranch ice cream is why we canât have nice things
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They donât have those in Narnia.
I have never seen a single âwhen animals attackâ video that I wasnât rooting for the animal.
My kids still havenât started school yet and I canât wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person âSo whatâre you in for?â
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: itâs too cow-ey