I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
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Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.