[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
You Might Also Like
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
sistine chapel
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I have questions??
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
HERE’S MARKY
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”