16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
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Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I cannot call her anything else now
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
All is fair in drunk and war.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.