Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
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*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My plans: 2020:
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly