17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
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Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind