17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
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[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.