I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
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I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
birds and squirrels envy us
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
barbara was highly relatable
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.