17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
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Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer: