@NatBaimel

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

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@Tommytoughstuff

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

@jellybnbonanza

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

@DanMentos

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

@clichedout

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

@Marlebean

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

@DebTLawrence

If you see me running down the road crying, it’s because I hate running.

@mom_tho

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

@KalvinMacleod

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

@TheGladStork

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

@ehchino

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good