@NatBaimel

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

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@mortimermaiden

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

@KrangTNelson

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

@donni

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

@mdob11

Goal weight: “are you ok, you look sick”

@xLiserx

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

@DrakeGatsby

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

@noog

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

@notviking

[first day as a train conductor]

coworker: you the new guy?

me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing

coworker:

me: so far this job is off the rails

coworker:

me: so what do you guys do to let off steam

coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good