17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
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Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Me, “I rest my case.”
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
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