17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
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Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
You’ll be OK
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Ain’t no way
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Proofread twice, hang posters once
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”