[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
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All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I support this random dude and all his protests
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I wanna be friends with this person
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?