Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
tinder is all about the long game
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀