Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Me, flirting😏

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.