18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
it must be school picture day
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!