@Sam_Posts

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

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@CruisinSoozan

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

@heroinsdemise

Women’s magazines:

20 pages “accept yourself”

40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”

And
Cake recipes..

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

@Bizarro_Mark

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her

wife: [stops fighting murderer] what

@1_swarthy_dude

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.