18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Saw your ex at the shops
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.