18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
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Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
A small tragedy.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him