18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
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*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied