Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
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The eighth habit of highly effective people.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[museum tour in the future]
Racism and sexism ended in the 21st century, when brave Americans argued it out of existence online
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!