[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
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3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.