*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
You Might Also Like
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Why soy sad?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.