@animadvertguy

1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water.

1916: I’m in a muddy trench, bleeding internally.

2016: IM OFFENDED!

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@Michael1979

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

@JermHimselfish

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

@Tacet_no_more

When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is

@deardilettante

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

@PeachesMcPeach

Omg. The WiFi went off a minute ago so my kids came out of their rooms. They’re getting so tall!

@just1fool

Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.

@JohnLyonTweets

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

@Multitudes8

M: I rear-ended some girl today

W: Oh how much damage to her car

M: Car?