Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
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Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
*3.5 thank you very much.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.