*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water.
1916: I’m in a muddy trench, bleeding internally.
2016: IM OFFENDED!
You Might Also Like
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
*At Railway station
Me : Can I get a return ticket please?
Station attendant : Where to?
Me : Here.
I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?
“Money isn’t everything,” I say, poorly.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
Niece: Uncle I can’t find my Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (slow kicks empty boxes under couch) That’s Weird.
(Sigh) I must be getting older. I just read a whole book about a giant sperm whale called Moby Dick and I didn’t giggle once…