@animadvertguy
1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water.
1916: I’m in a muddy trench, bleeding internally.
2016: IM OFFENDED!
@Michael1979
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
@JermHimselfish
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
@Tacet_no_more
When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is
@MariyaAlexander
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
@deardilettante
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
@PeachesMcPeach
Omg. The WiFi went off a minute ago so my kids came out of their rooms. They’re getting so tall!
@just1fool
Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.
@yeaanotherchris
Two more rolls of duct tape and I should have this tv mounted.
@JohnLyonTweets
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
@Multitudes8
M: I rear-ended some girl today
W: Oh how much damage to her car
M: Car?