1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water.

1916: I’m in a muddy trench, bleeding internally.


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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*


Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*


*At Railway station

Me : Can I get a return ticket please?

Station attendant : Where to?

Me : Here.


I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?


Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist


I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret


Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh


Niece: Uncle I can’t find my Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (slow kicks empty boxes under couch) That’s Weird.


(Sigh) I must be getting older. I just read a whole book about a giant sperm whale called Moby Dick and I didn’t giggle once…