1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water.

1916: I’m in a muddy trench, bleeding internally.


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4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training


My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood


When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is


At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.


Omg. The WiFi went off a minute ago so my kids came out of their rooms. They’re getting so tall!


Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.


I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.


M: I rear-ended some girl today

W: Oh how much damage to her car

M: Car?