Nothing says “We have no faith in our own products” like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
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One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me (waiter): Say when
Her (horrified): WHY ARE YOU TRIMMING YOUR BEARD INTO MY SALAD
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.