@C00LpenNAME

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

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@Just_Lee_

Nothing says “We have no faith in our own products” like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

@fulciHugazombie

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

@ArfMeasures

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

@AnniemuMary

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

@PleaseBeGneiss

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

@briangaar

Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.

@CruelMeiga

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[restaurant]

Me (waiter): Say when

Her (horrified): WHY ARE YOU TRIMMING YOUR BEARD INTO MY SALAD

@ConanOBrien

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.