1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
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You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I’m not proud
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.