@TheBoydP

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

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@SomeChrisTweets

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

@lurie_john

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

@PaperWash

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

@Chase_Observes

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

@fishbowel

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

@Proxic0n

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

@haveigotnews

Apple launches new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album.

@TheOnlyMommaG

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

@Brampersandon_

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?