[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
You Might Also Like
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.