*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

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Why Seth MacFarlane’s Oscars were mean spirited and misogynistic, coming up next after our review of the worst dressed women.


Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.


I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.


The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.


Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.


Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.


I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:



In a parallel universe, a group of sentient guitars groan as one guitar gets out a human at a party.


*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*