@Holy_Mowgli

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

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@BoomBoomBetty

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

@portmanteauface

I find that making meetings take less than 15 minutes and making sex last longer than 15 minutes elicit very similar responses

@DrewCoffman

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

@SigneSaysSo

My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.

@KeetPotato

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

@McClaneJohn2

I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that stupid power walk.

@PleaseBeGneiss

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

@CoolCamel69

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

@malt_skull

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

@semple42

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.