[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
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I find that making meetings take less than 15 minutes and making sex last longer than 15 minutes elicit very similar responses
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that stupid power walk.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.