[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
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ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Fidel Castro was alive?