A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
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Me checking my bank balance online.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?