@hipstermermaid

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!






2015: Taco Emoji!

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@CantWaitToNap

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

@MUMSIEesq

*struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
“You made a big mistake. Huge!”

@david8hughes

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

@KattsDogma

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

@DillDoes

[god inventing animals]
okay here’s a new one. It’s an umbrella
“okay”
made out of jello
“alright”
and it electrocutes things
“you’re drunk”

@pilau

me: I love jalapeños

boss: same

me: we’re palapeños 🙂

boss: you’re fired

@SamePageDifDay

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

@thatUPSdude

I heard someone say their podcast was on “hiatus”, guess that sounds better than “my mom took away my laptop”.

@JediGigi

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.