An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
2015: Taco Emoji!
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*struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
“You made a big mistake. Huge!”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
[god inventing animals]
okay here’s a new one. It’s an umbrella
made out of jello
and it electrocutes things
me: I love jalapeños
me: we’re palapeños 🙂
boss: you’re fired
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I heard someone say their podcast was on “hiatus”, guess that sounds better than “my mom took away my laptop”.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.