[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
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[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Europe. Made in Germany.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition