18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
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Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
*puts words between two asterisks*
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.