@kwirkyKerri

19: Okay mom, don’t freak out but…

TOO LATE

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@Bluestmoon_

How to make microwave popcorn:
2 minutes 27 seconds-half bag popped.
2 minutes 29 seconds-MICROWAVE ON FIRE.

@jonnysun

JESUS: today im going to walk on water
JUDAS: NO DONT–
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]

@PortRooster

If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box…

@JimmerThatisAll

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

@ramblinma

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

@SondraDeeMe

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

@poutinesmoothie

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

@Lexiedeadpool

That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…

@TankCesar

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.

@pleatedjeans

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go