Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
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Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea