19: Okay mom, don’t freak out but…


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How to make microwave popcorn:
2 minutes 27 seconds-half bag popped.
2 minutes 29 seconds-MICROWAVE ON FIRE.


JESUS: today im going to walk on water
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]


If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box…


Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.


Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.


“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.


If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.


That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…


Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.


cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go