[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
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Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Sharon, call the vet
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.