@Sarcasmo718
Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.
@Home_Halfway
[1912]
ME: I’m gonna tickle you!
CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop
ME: Tickle tickle!
CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship
ME: Tickling you more!
CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg
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@Sarcasmo718
@NicestHippo
“I just love making people laugh” – me, explaining why I do sex
@dril
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
@Reverend_Scott
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
@SatansTongue
He told me he wants my heart
“Sharon I’m pretty sure he’s a serial killer”
No way!
*later on with guy*
Wow you’re really into bondage huh?
@katy_baybay
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
@ClichedOut
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
@Ivsy01
Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70…
What girls hear: You’re gonna dump me at 71.
@mariokeyparty
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
@shatty48
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.