My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
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what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Check out the legs on this baby
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Wise advice
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.