Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@david8hughes

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

@gabbazaba

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

@FattMernandez

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

@boy_from_school

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

@MandaPie1981

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

@junejuly12

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

@Ristolable

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

@Rollmaninoz

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

@BlueOnBlack72

*guy about to invent Keto*

*sips coffee*

Not buttery enough.