[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
ME: I’m gonna tickle you!
CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop
ME: Tickle tickle!
CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship
ME: Tickling you more!
CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg
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facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
*guy about to invent Keto*
Not buttery enough.