Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Book_Krazy

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

@TheAlexNevil

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

@ibid78

CASHIER: is there anything else I can help you with?
ME: *pulls out my trigonometry homework from 1995* yes, yes there is

@Kirangandhi

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

@BestMovieLine

Spaceballs

@Brianhopecomedy

Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.

Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.

@maryfairybobrry

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

@difficultpatty

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

@OctopusCavemann

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

@sofarrsogud

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?