ME: I’m gonna tickle you!

CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop

ME: Tickle tickle!

CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship

ME: Tickling you more!

CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg

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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.


2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year


CASHIER: is there anything else I can help you with?
ME: *pulls out my trigonometry homework from 1995* yes, yes there is


HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!


Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.

Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.


My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud


Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.


ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?