Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?