Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

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Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.


My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house


7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?

Me: I don’t know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.


doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me


In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.


[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”


My ex didn’t realize ‘cheat day’ only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.


Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.