@Shenaniglenns

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

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Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

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My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

@SamDeLanche

7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?

Me: I don’t know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.

@ClichedOut

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

@thejamietighe

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

@withanewname

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

@holymolynicole

My ex didn’t realize ‘cheat day’ only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.

@ddsmidt

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.