Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

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Studies show that you were, like, way too good for him.

‘Totally too good for him’ says one super supportive scientist.


Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee


LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me


Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.


*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”


The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.


your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice


….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.


Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating