Studies show that you were, like, way too good for him.
‘Totally too good for him’ says one super supportive scientist.
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
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Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating