If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
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“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
This why you should mind your business
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
taking June’s advice to heart
True
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.