1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
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“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.