*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
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I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.