For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*