I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
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Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
😬
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza