1964:”Remember kids,” a youth basketball coach says, “there’s no “i” in team.”

“Not yet,” whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, “… not yet.”

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Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not


I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.


Anything u say can & will be used against u, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And, we never forget. Anything. Ever.


ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side


My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time


Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?


Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…


The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets