1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.


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“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”


[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here


“Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say beautiful instead.”
“Fine. Can you pass me the beautiful sauce then?”


When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug


He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.


Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.


Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.


Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?


someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why