@DitzMcGeee

1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.

2019:

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@GriffonTaylonYo

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

@JustDontBugMe

I don’t understand Dentists. I’m sitting here with like.. knitting needles in my mouth and they think I can answer stupid questions.

@juliussharpe

Documentaries must provide 90% of the employment for violin players.

@Book_Krazy

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

@GinAndJif

I vacuumed up a giant spider, so now I just have to leave the hoover running for the rest of my life so it can’t get out again.

@mrjohndarby

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

@Aikiwomannc

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

@mrsjohngoodman

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

@MindyFurano

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

@mellimelle

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.