1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.


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Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun


I don’t understand Dentists. I’m sitting here with like.. knitting needles in my mouth and they think I can answer stupid questions.


Documentaries must provide 90% of the employment for violin players.


Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch


I vacuumed up a giant spider, so now I just have to leave the hoover running for the rest of my life so it can’t get out again.


if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck


Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.


I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts


person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god


Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.