@Lisabug74

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

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@RiIeyJokess

“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.

@Prero22

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

@skedaddle74

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

@P1ssed_K1d

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

@TheTweetOfGod

Only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane just to go on camera and say that only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane.

@panmidwest

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

@realHamOnWry

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Reloading my bong

Cat: You really need it?

Me: I know my limits, why?

Cat: You know cats can’t talk, right?

@jaggings

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I’m very disappointed with all of you.