1980: busy signal (I’m busy af)

1990: call waiting (hold on I’m busy af)

2017: voicemail (I declined your call to watch cat videos)

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i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police


Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism.


[Target cashier stares at my fingerless gloves] Ah, couldn’t help notice you were admiring my hand vests.


What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?


“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”


I turned off Auto-Correct for the first time, and now my new girlfriend thinks she has a face that launched a 1000 shits.


I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.


CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small


Most of my friends are imaginary but don’t judge because so are you


I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.