I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
bought wrong eggs
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.