[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
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[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*
Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.
Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?
*pulls out pillow*
Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a ? squeezing through a tight space.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.