1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog


[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*


I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.


I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”


If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?


Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??


writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names


Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.

Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?

*pulls out pillow*


Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a ? squeezing through a tight space.


If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.