@oigoabuya

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

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@Ygrene

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

@RidiculousSheri

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

@cheers27402373

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

@panmidwest

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

@Buzzee09

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

@ArfMeasures

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

@TweetsByKaylee

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

@LosLos__

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.

Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?

*pulls out pillow*

@peteholmes

Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a ? squeezing through a tight space.

@staufff

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.