[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Cucumbers Anonymous
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then