Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
You Might Also Like
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Stop making fast and furious movies.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.