[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
You Might Also Like
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.